As someone who has a keen interest in knowing what the heck is actually true, you can probably imagine how hilarious the last few years have been.
Fortunately, though, I now understand that “true” is being actively redefined to mean “acceptable”. You see, using this handsome definition, what counts as “true” or #fakenews doesn’t need to depend on the absolute facts – it only needs to align with the opinion of people more important than us, so that they can tell us what is true today.
Does it matter if what they tell us is true today is different from what they told us was true yesterday? Nah.
What DOES matter though is that we absolutely embrace the narrative of the day, don’t discuss how that might possibly be incorrect, and definitely apply no independent thought to anything that might contradict what is “true” now. But if we slip up and do accidentally forget what the facts are today, it’s OK because the people who run the show will happily silence us and ensure that nothing we say could possibly be read by others.
History tells us, of course, that this kind of system absolutely works fine.
With this bold new appreciation in tow, I thought I’d demonstrate my commitment to this excellent cause and to our true-declaring overlords, and explain how we can learn to properly navigate just a few topics that have come up in recent times.*
* if you feel like these particular topics are one-sided, that’s because they are. Fear not, I can just as happily write a similar article from the other side of the political fence, I just didn’t do that on this occasion.
Herd Immunity
If you haven’t heard the phrase “herd immunity” recently, then the chances are you’re not reading this article either.
For this one we can reach out to our overlords at the World Health Organization, and whoever writes their website copy.
So, the facts between the invention of the phrase and very recently were that “herd immunity” means something like this:
But that’s old news now, and is no longer true. For reasons which I’m 100% sure have nothing to do with an agenda to push everyone to get vaccines, the definition was updated in the second half of 2020 (um… citations for why don’t matter, remember?) to be:
‘Herd immunity’, also known as ‘population immunity’, is a concept used for vaccination, in which a population can be protected from a certain virus if a threshold of vaccination is reached. Herd immunity is achieved by protecting people from a virus, not by exposing them to it.
https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/question-and-answers-hub/q-a-detail/herd-immunity-lockdowns-and-covid-19
Don’t worry though, I’m sure a “Doctor” or an “Expert” will be able to confirm via an upcoming news cycle if you are concerned that this updated definition is completely appropriate and proven by science. Other “doctors” and “experts” might say different things, but don’t believe them because I didn’t capitalise their titles.
So just to be clear, the previous “fact” that was absolutely fine to believe was that herd immunity included those who gained immunity through exposure.
But that’s not the fact anymore – so don’t say that.
Trump Tear-Gassing People for a Photo Op
The orange man is bad, OK? So if we hear something bad about him, it’s almost certainly true.
In this case, in around June 2020 Trump cruelly directed park police to drive out peaceful protesters and throw tear-gas at them, so that he could get a photo-op outside a church holding an upside down bible. What a meany, amiright?
And that was completely, absolutely and unequivocally true…
…until about June 2021, when it became not true. From that point what became true is that in response to the “peaceful” protesters causing injury to multiple officers and damage to federal property, the US Park Police organised (without reference to Trump) to mobilize and clear the not-really-peaceful protesters from the area.
So if you voted against Trump because of that incident (which seems unlikely) then you were still 100% ok to do so without any cognitive dissonance, because at the time it was true.
The Wuhan Lab
COVID was absolutely, definitely and uneqvoically NOT something that was released (accidentally or otherwise) from a laboratory in Wuhan, China. Got it?
In fact, if you think that it was, then you are a crazy nut-job, a conspiracy theorist and you repeatedly sharing disinformation about this should get you banned from Twitter and Facebook. We also know it to be crazy because 27 scientists (count ’em – 27!) published a statement on February 19 2020 telling us it was crazy. It’s completely irrelevant that the statement was drafted by Peter Daszak, president of EcoHealth Alliance, which has a commercial relationship with the Wuhan Institute of Virology funded by US government grants.
Most notably, however, it’s important to remember that Orange Man Bad, and because Trump expressed a view that the virus came from a lab in Wuhan, it’s simple logic to know that must be a lie. That combined with the extremely extensive and amazing work of the WHO investigation should convince even the most stalwart of objectioners.
So it was clear and entirely proper for the US Government, Twitter and Facebook to completely shut down any suggestion of any kind that the virus came from a lab.
At least, until about June 2021, when it became entirely possible that the virus leaked from a lab in Wuhan. You see, what we need to understand is that while social media (based on WHO guidance) censored and banned people left, right and centre from expressing any view suggesting that Covid came from a lab, it was always (always) the case that all theories were still being investigated and they definitely did NOT say that the lab-leak theory was completely false.
So just to be clear:
- Before June 2021 it was completely false misinformation spread by lunatics that COVID might have leaked from a lab. Those people were rightly banned from social media, called various names quite appropriately and should be ashamed of themselves.
- From June 2021 and for the time being, it’s perfectly OK to speculate that perhaps COVID came from a lab, because the investigation is ongoing and we don’t have a definitive answer yet.
- Dr Fauci definitely did not know about gain-of-function research being conducted at the Wuhan Institute of Virology at the time he dismissively waived off suggestions the virus came from the lab. Or if he did it doesn’t matter and you just don’t understand things, OK?
Getting Sick from COVID
In a speech in March 2020, the Prime Minister said:
- “But the truth is that while many people will contract this virus that it’s clear, just as people get the flu each year, it is a more severe condition than the flu, but for the vast majority, as I said last week, for the majority, around 8 in 10 is our advice, it will be a mild illness and it will pass”
So, to demonstrate, my home state of Queensland has had 1752 cases of COVID reported, with 7 deaths representing around a 0.4% mortality rate.
NSW has had 6,618 reported cases with 56 deaths, representing a 0.85% mortality rate. It’s a bit higher, but don’t worry – we turned NSW off for a while so it should be OK.
Other states are similar, although in fairness Victoria does drag the mortality statistics up. However, this is a good opportunity to demonstrate how selectively presenting some facts but not others can be used to support a position.
So in order to avoid the obvious imminent death of everyone, it’s important that we tell 5.2million people in Queensland to wear masks (that definitely work to protect us – although the specifics depend on whether you ask the CDC or the WHO, and which historical date you ask them about it) when 3 cases are found to exist, compel everyone to stay home if we find any community transmission at all, and as a nation administer 22,388,993 tests to ensure that we don’t catch this most-of-the-time mild disease. It’s also important that nobody dances – dancing is out, OK?
On the up-side, apparently we have basically eradicated influenza type A from our lives. Isn’t that great? You see, in the No 12, 2019 edition of the Influenza Surveillance Report, the good people at the Department of Health noted that to date in that calendar year there had been 298,120 notifications of laboratory-confirmed influenza. Wow, lots right? But I’m happy to tell you that in 2021 in the year to date (bearing in mind we’re not at the end of the flu season yet) we have only reported 388 cases of the flu. Go us! I mean it’s like the flu just disappeared or something.
Now I have to admit that distilling what is true here did my head in a bit, but here’s my best crack at trying to believe what I’m told to believe:
- COVID-19, for most people, “is a mild illness and it will pass” according to the PM who, as you’d expect, was probably parroting some medical person; but
- COVID-19 is also so serious and dangerous that if there is any chance you might possibly have it you should get tested (if you don’t understand how this point marries with the last one, you’re not trying hard enough);
- It’s important that in response to a mild illess that will pass we, as a country, declare a state of emergency and hand power to a single non-elected medical official in each State who can then tell us all what we may or may not do each day, while the premiers provide us with a neverending stream of updated statistics with large numbers so that news outlets can cling desparately to the idea that they have something relevant to publish each day.
- It’s OK though, because politicians are renowned for giving back power quickly once they have had a taste of it. They are definitely not investigating opportunities to give themselves these powers indefinitely.
The best part is, if I’m made a mistake then I don’t have to worry – I’m confident the fact-checkers will point it out and I’ll know then what to believe. If not I can always check myself in to the ministry of truth for some re-education.
